The World He Created
by HalleyComet07
Summary: F!Hawke and Anders. He gave up everything for his cause only for the world to twist it and spit it back out at him. His choices cost him the one person he ever loved. Can a chance encounter give him back everything? Updated to correct some typos and make it flow better. I hope you all enjoy!


"My daddy is a healer." That was her answer when he asked how she knew so much for a little girl. "And I'm not little," she added stubbornly with both hands on her hips.

"Well, you're little to me," he told her as she tried her best to help him up. When he was fully positioned on his feet, he looked down at the girl's searing green eyes. Eyes that were so familiar. Eyes that reminded him of a time when he was happy. His heart ached at the memory he tried for so long to forget.

He changed the subject.

"So what are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere?"

She looked at him innocently. "Saving your life."

He frowned at the remark. "And where did you get your quick wit from?"

"All the 'bad men' say that I get it from mommy."

"'Bad Men'?"

"Mommy says that they're 'bad men' and they want to find us. Sometimes it doesn't matter how far or fast we run, they catch up to us anyway. They grab me and mommy. Then they try to hurt her and say mean things. Sometimes they say mean things to me too; and spit on me. But mommy tells them to stop. She closes her eyes, thinks really hard and then the men let go and are trapped for awhile in an invisible room long enough for us to run away. She tells me that it doesn't hurt them though. We don't hurt people unless there is no other way. I asked mommy about 'no other way' and what that meant. She wouldn't tell me. Do you know?"

The small girl's inquisitive eyes were filled with innocence. He wondered how that was possible since she had clearly seen so much. So much of the world _he_ created.

"I'm sure she means if there is no other way to get away from the 'bad men.' You do know what they are really called, don't you?"

She nodded her head. "The word makes mommy sad so I just don't say it anymore. She won't tell me why though. The 'bad-' I mean, _templars_ are never hard for mommy to get away from. _I've_ never seen her hurt a single one."

The girl was clearly proud of her mother and had all the confidence in the world that her mother was invincible. But he was anxious to change the subject. He held out his hand to the girl and nodded to the nearby lake. "I don't know about you, but I think we should try to wash the blood out of these rags."

The girl smiled, took his hand and walked with him.

"So you said your daddy is a healer? Can I ask what he's like?"

"Oh sure. Mommy says he's brave and smart and that I have his smile," she turned to show him her big, toothy grin. "She tells me it's the most beautiful smile she's ever seen. When I go to bed she tells me the stories of the adventures she had with daddy. I think he's the nicest man in all of Thedas. He risked his freedom from the 'bad-' _templars_ to help mages like me and mommy. I want to be just like him."

He gulped and was horrified by the thought of this little girl risking everything for helping his kind. He couldn't imagine her being locked away-or worse.

"How old are you?" he asked.

"Six. But I'll be seven before you know it. My birthday's not for a long time but mommy says that the time goes by fast. She says it seems like only a year ago that I was born."

"Wow. You still have a lot of growing up to do," he winked at her knowing that what he said was probably going to push her buttons.

The girl frowned. "I grow up all the time. As fast as I can!"

"Well, just make sure you wait until you're grown up enough to help the mages; not put them more at risk. I'm sure your mother wants to keep you safe and sometimes it can be dangerous work."

"UGH! That's what mommy says."

"Well then your mother is a _very_ smart woman."

They reached lake together and the man started to gather the bloodied rags. As he reached for one draped across his arm, he dropped a second one he'd been holding. He bent down to pick it up and a sharp pain darted across his stomach. He stumbled and then fell down.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! Did I miss a spot when I was healing you?" The little girl rushed towards him with her hands already glowing green with healing energy.

"No. It's not your fault. Don't worry, I can take care of this one." He held his hands over his stomach and the little girl suddenly felt the fade pull into the man in front of her as his hands glowed blue with his healing magic.

He sat up and smiled at the girl in attempt to tell the girl he was okay. "There. That feels much better."

"Wait. If you can heal yourself then why didn't you earlier?"

"My magic was running low after I defeated the ogre and I was wounded pretty badly. In fact, if you hadn't come I'm sure I would be dead right now. I was too weak to heal myself then. You are certainly very skilled," he said as he began washing out the rags again.

The girl grinned wide with the compliment as she sat down next to him to help wash the rags.

"Hey why does your magic feel different? I've never felt the fade come into a person like that. And why do your hands glow blue instead of green? Do different mages have different colors? Oh, and by the way, what's your name? Well, I guess if you don't tell me your name I can call you blondie.'"

He froze in place at the nickname. It, too, reminded him of the 'old days.' Back when he could hold the woman of his dreams. When he thought that maybe, just maybe, they could spend the rest of their lives together. However, he quickly began washing the rags again hoping that the little girl wouldn't notice.

"Whoa. That's a lot of questions all at once. I'd rather not have you call me 'blondie,'" he cringed just saying it. "My name is…Anders."

He never could figure out why he told the little girl his real name instead of one of his many aliases he'd used to flee the templars. He felt that this girl was more than capable of keeping a secret even though she wasn't aware it was even a secret. She just…knew.

"Well, now you know my name. I would like to know your name. If you don't want me calling you 'little girl'," he winked as he said it.

"My name is Noelle."

"Pleasure to meet you Noelle," he said cheerfully with his left hand extended. She took it with her left hand and they shook. He quickly noticed that she was left handed like him.

"Left handed people are so rare. It's good to know another lefty," he told her with a smile.

The little girl smiled at his remark.

"Are you going to answer my other questions Anders? It's rude not to answer people's questions."

"You sure are bossy for a six year old."

Noelle stuck her tongue out at him.

"Speaking of being rude," he held up his index finger to reiterate his point. "It is also rude to ask too many questions. You know my name, Noelle, I think that's enough for now."

A little defeated, she looked away from him and stared at the ground for a moment.

They both sat in silence for a little while washing the blood out of the rags. There were only two left at this point so they each grabbed one and began scrubbing again.

Noelle's voice pierced the silence, "I guess you're right. Mommy has told me before its not nice to ask people too many questions. I'm sorry; but I didn't think that was too many," she looked up at him in earnest.

"It's okay. You know, you're mother has impressed me with how many smart things she has passed on to you. Do you mind telling me about her? What's she like?"

"Oh, she is absolutely beautiful. She teaches me about the fade and about the demons who can possess me and then I become an abom-," she thought really hard about the word. "Abomina- an abomination. She also tells me that the good spirits can possess me too and so I should be careful around them as well."

Anders knew all to well that what he had just told her was true. He was definitely an abomination. Some would say a testament to what would happen if the mages were free.

"She says she sorry that we always have to run-that we can't stay in one place very long. I told her it makes us like the Dalish elves."

_Andraste's ass! This girl is really smart to know so much!_ he thought to himself.

"Mommy tells me that one day we won't have to run anymore. She says that she prays for that day to come. She told me that when we stop running that I can have friends and we could run around and play all day. But I don't know if I would like that. I don't mind running; it never gets boring."

"Just be careful what you wish for, Noelle," he cautioned.

She nodded, "Yeah, I've heard that before," she told him and then began to go on about her mother.

"Mommy is not very good at healing magic. She taught me what she knows, but the rest of my skills I learned from reading tomes that Mommy and I find when we go to different places. She tells me all the time that I have my daddy's skill for healing."

She finished washing her last rag and put in the clean pile.

Anders smiled. "Well does your daddy agree?"

Suddenly she looked very sad. "I don't know. Mommy says that we don't know where he is or even if he's still alive. He doesn't know where we are either. She told me that he doesn't even know about me." Her eyes were swelling up with tears.

He quickly threw his finished rag into the pile. In a comforting gesture he softly laid his hand over hers. "I'm so sorry Noelle. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sure your daddy is out there somewhere trying to find your mommy. When he finds her, and I know he will, he will be overcome with joy to have a daughter like you. Don't you ever doubt that."

Her cheeks were still stained with her shed tears when she looked up at him. She sniffed and wiped her nose on her arm, "Do you really mean that?"

Anders grabbed both of her hands and held them. He looked her right in the face and said, "Yes. I know that one day you will know your father. When that day comes you and your mother will be happy for the rest of your lives no matter what may come."

She smiled at him and he let go of her hands. He stood up and folded the rags neatly into one pile to give back to Noelle.

"Here Noelle. You can have these back now."

She quickly took the rags from him. "Thank you. Mommy called to me just now. She felt my sadness and wants me to come home. I'm sorry but I have to go." With her rags in hand Noelle turned and ran to what Anders assumed to be her home.

He sat back down and stared across the water. He wondered how he could allow himself to appreciate the beauty of it all knowing what he had done.

Justice stirred within him. _You did nothing wrong. We are helping the mages of this world whether they see it or not. There will never be another templar to threaten us or anyone else._

"But at what cost?"

_The cost is worth it Anders! We will give anything and everything to make the mages free! Cost doesn't matter. It is meaningless._

"Maybe for you, Justice. You are a spirit and need nothing. I am a human. I have weaknesses, needs, wants. I cannot just ignore them."

_You must. To accomplish our goal you must forget about these things._

"But that little girl. She was innocent but has already seen so many horrible things. Things that happened because of _us_ and what _we_ did. I never wanted it to be this way. You have corrupted me."

_I have made you see truth! I have made you see the way it has to be! There is no other way to set these mages free! You knew it wasn't going to be pretty and you went along with it anyway! This is Anders' idea. I have merely given you the means to accomplish our task._

"I am what the mages fear! I am what everyone fears! I am what will happen if we continue to show no mercy! The people we have killed, not everyone who doesn't agree with us needs to die, Justice!"

The spirit within him flared. He felt himself losing control and struggled to maintain it.

"Damn it Justice! You will not have me! Not now!" and he tried with all his might to push the spirit back down within him.

Justice gave in and receded.

He wasn't sure how long he had sat on the shore of the lake with his head in his hands. The sun had begun to set and the sky turned beautiful shades of yellow, orange, red, and dark blue. Stars were beginning to shine towards the east. There was a chill in the air that wasn't there before.

He heard footsteps. "Not darkspawn," he thought. "I would feel that."

The foot steps stopped, "Anders are you okay?"

Startled by her voice he looked up quickly, hands already glowing.

"It's just me! It's Noelle! Calm down!"

That voice. The voice telling him to calm down. It sounded so familiar. It pulled at his heartstrings reminding him of a time when his love had saved him from harming an innocent mage. A time when he was more in control. She was his anchor. She was what pulled him back from being completely consumed by the vengeance spirit within him.

He forced himself to snap back to reality. "Noelle. What are you doing here?"

"Well, I told my mommy that I met a mage and saved his life. I told her that when I was crying about daddy, you made me feel better. I told her that you were really nice to me. She wants to meet you. Come with me."

Not really sure if this was a good idea, he slowly gave in to her when she grabbed his arm and started pulling to help him up.

It was when he started walking that he realized how tired he was. He was dragging his feet and barely able to keep his eyes open. The only reason he knew where he was going was because Noelle hadn't let go of his hand since she helped him up.

After they had walked about a mile Anders saw through his fluttering eyelids an abandoned log cabin. At least, it looked abandoned. He imagined that the girl's mother wanted it that way.

He forced himself to open his eyes and take in the surroundings. He needed to be observant in case they had a need to run later. The door was clearly strong with a small rectangular window at the top. Two windows surrounded the door; one on each side. They were very dirty and dusty. He couldn't see through him. "Good," he thought. The cabin at one time had flowers growing in pots under the windows but they had long since wilted and withered adding to the abandoned house effect. The step leading up to the porch was warped and squeaked noisily when stepped on it. Another good thing. It's good to able to hear someone coming.

Noelle opened the door and shouted to her mother that she was back. He heard a voice towards the back of the house answer her. She stepped aside and let Anders walk through. "Here, come sit at the table. We are going to eat dinner soon."

She went to the cupboard and pulled out a very old, stale loaf of bread. "I know its not much, but its what we have. I enjoy it."

She pulled off a piece from the not-so-stale end and handed it to him. The middle piece was for her and she put the last piece on the table for her mother.

"We can't eat until she comes in," she informed him.

An approaching voice called out, "Noelle, did you get the bread out for-" her sentence was cut off when she instantly recognized the man sitting at her table. Sure he looked a little rougher; hadn't shaved in probably a week, hair unevenly cut as if with a crude dagger. Sure he was skinnier than she remembered, his cheeks a little more hollow. But the look in his brown eyes and the 'sad little abomination' way he sat with his hands in front of his face under his nose gave him away.

He recognized her as well but she shook her head at him as if to say 'not in front of Noelle.'

"Noelle, you've been pestering me lately about eating your dinner in you bedroom so you can play with your dolls. You've been well behaved lately, go ahead."

"Okay," Noelle replied with a huge smile. She took her piece of bread and trotted happily down the narrow corridor.

The woman in front of him plopped down in a chair across from him as if the weight of the world were on her shoulders and she was tired of carrying it.

He opened his mouth to begin to say something but she cut him off.

"What, in Andraste's name, are you doing here?"

He just stared at her in awe.

"Anders! What are you doing here?"

"My love! I thought I had lost you forever," he was so relieved that she was okay.

"No. You don't get to call me that anymore. You gave that up when you decided to keep me out of your plans. We promised each other that we would have no secrets between us! I would've helped you, damn it! I could've made it better for you!"

"How, Hawke? What would you have done to make the consequences of my actions easier for me?"

"I don't know!" she slammed her fist against the table. "I just know that everything was better when I was with you! You were there for me when Carver died! You were there for me when that fucked up mage killed my mother! You helped me kill him! You were there for me when shit hit the fan with the arishok! Why would you think that this would be any different?!"

Anders was overwhelmed with the memories of the past and how back then he felt that together, they could do anything. Why _did_ he leave her out of it?

Oh yeah. Justice.

"Justice convinced me not to tell you. He said that it was too dangerous. He understands how much and how deeply I love you! I don't know why but I trusted him that he was acting in your best interest. I should've known better Hawke. I knew all along that he thought you were bad for me. I should've realized he was just trying to drive us apart."

"Wow…Just, wow. You know, every time you do something wrong you blame it on the fact that you are an abomination. Yes, you are certainly a possessed mage. But I know how strong you are. I know how strong _Anders_ is. I know that he could've told Justice or Vengeance or whatever the fuck you want to call it to fuck off. That _you_ were handling it. That _you_, meaning _Anders_, knew what would be the better outcome for me. Anders, I would've been right there with you!" She was standing now, palms flat on the table.

He stood up as well and walked over to her. He stood so close that their noses were nearly touching.

"Marian, I love you. But the fact is, only half of me can love you because the other half is a demon. I can't make him love you the way I do. I can't _will_ it to be. I thought you accepted that 12 years ago." He put his hands on either side of her face and took in her scent. Maker how he missed how she smelled. It brought back so many emotions and feelings that he had pushed down so deep he thought they would never surface again.

"I don't believe that. I don't believe it now and I certainly didn't believe it then. I know how strong and willful you are." They both chuckled. "I know that with my love and support, Anders can overcome Vengeance. I think that's why he never liked me. He knew that I would help you become whole again. Become yourself. And like any other _being_ it scared him."

With their faces still so close together, he exhaled. "He's screaming in my head right now to push you away."

"Fight it Anders. I know you can. I'm right here waiting for you. I am your reality, not the _mission_ that this _demon_ has you on. Me. Right here. And your daughter."

He snapped back and look up at her. "She…she really is mine? She told me this afternoon about how you would tell her stories about your adventures and that her father was a healer and risked everything. She told me that she thought he was the nicest man in all of Thedas."

He stopped and she put her hand over his heart. "She thinks the world of you Anders. Come stay with us. I can help you." She could tell that Justice was trying to consume him. It was a battle, that this time, the demon would lose.

"But I can't be that man for her. I'm not who she thinks I am. I would rather her have the image of her father that she already has then have someone like me. I'm not '_the nicest man in Thedas'_."

Hawke smiled at that and kissed him softly, enjoying his lips once again joined with hers. She embraced him with all her strength. "Didn't you know, Anders? You already are. Just by being who you are, you are all those things she mentioned. I don't ever want you to change." Tears began to silently fall over her cheeks and let him go to look him in the eyes. "You are perfect just the way you are."

He smiled at her and she could tell that Justice was no longer a priority at the moment. His face was definitely nothing but Anders.

"I've missed you so much. It's been so hard raising Noelle without you. She's such a talented healer. You've seen _my_ healing magic, _I_ certainly can't teach her; but _you_ can," she told him.

"I've missed you too."

They stood close together and kissed. Gently at first, but as they kept going, the kisses became more fierce and determined. He pulled away and stepped back.

"Can we, uh, go somewhere?" he asked and winked at her while his hands were trailing her curves.

She laughed but called out to her daughter to tell her she was going on a walk. As they left the house she put enchantments and charms around the house to keep her safe.

Not far from the house was a barn. It wasn't perfect, but it would certainly suffice.

They went inside with Anders practically dragging her along. Immediately, he pushed her against a wall and crushed her lips with his. The passion he held for her had not dwindled over the years. She crushed his lips back with hers and bit his bottom lip. She drew blood.

"Shit, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he told her and right before her eyes his lip was healed. "The advantages of being a healer."

Their lips smashed together over and over trying to make up for the lost years. His hands roamed over her body. He touched her jaw, down to her neck, her shoulders, her breasts, her stomach, hips, and thighs.

The way he touched her made her skin crawl with want and desire causing her to moan into his mouth. His hands fumbled with the buttons and straps that keep her robes in place. These were not the robes he was used to. While still kissing him, she helped him get her clothes off.

With just her small clothes on, Anders stopped and took a step back. "I just want to look at you. It's been so long. Maker, you are still so beautiful."

He walked back up to her and again began crushing her lips with his. Their tongues seemed to remember a dance they thought long forgotten. She could feel that they were made for each other. They fit together so perfectly and complimented each other so completely, it had to be.

He had taken off her bra and she was grabbing at his tunic. She untucked it from his pants but couldn't get him to stop kissing her long enough to lift it over his head. She broke away and turned her head long enough to discard the shirt. His hands started to roam over her body again. This time, stopping to massage her breasts. He rubbed his thumb roughly over her pert nipple and she moaned again. He switched to the other breast repeating the same process all the while never breaking their kiss.

He rubbed his thumb over her nipple one last time and broke the kiss only to begin giving her breasts the attention from his mouth. He sucked one nipple while playing with the other. He licked and bit and teased her. When he switched breasts, his hand found the place between her thighs. Her panties were drenched with her want of him. Still sucking and nipping at her breast, his finger slid under her small clothes and immediately found her spot. She groaned very loudly and used her hand to fondle her other breast. Anders broke away from her and lightly slapped away her other hand. "That's not for you," he said. She smiled wickedly at him and he could swear he thought her say 'payback is a bitch.'

With Hawke still pressed against the wall, Anders hooked his fingers underneath her panties and pulled them down. She stepped out of them as he began to suck on her and probe her with his tongue all the while using his finger to massage her clit.

She was close. He could tell by the way her legs were shaking and her moans were almost constant now. He used his free hand to massage her ass while paying the most attention to the folds between her thighs.

It was all she could do to stand up now and as she finally released the tension he built up in her she had to hold on to an ancient saddle hanging nearby on the wall.

Smiling mischievously and with her juices still on his lips and chin he stood up and faced her. "Did you miss me?"

Without answering she grabbed him and pushed him down on a pile of hay right behind him.

"Yes, I did," she replied while kissing across his chest and down his stomach. He still had his trousers on and the laces were straining from his physical desire. She rubbed him there while kissing and licking his stomach.

In between breaths, Anders taunted her, "You're such a tease."

At that, she quickly ripped open his laces and jerked down his pants. Eyeing him the whole time she put the tip of his penis in her mouth and licked the most sensitive part. Anders momentarily forgot to breathe. Using her hand to help work him she slid her mouth up and down his length the best she could. Determined to get him back for earlier, she slid down him so far that she gagged all the while rubbing his testicles.

The words, "Oh Maker!" pierced through the barn and she was sure through the field as well.

Hawke sat up and looked at him while still stroking him.

"Did you miss me?"

Before she knew what was happening he had grabbed her and threw her onto the hay underneath him. His arms were on either side of her head supporting his weight. The biceps she remembered were replaced with larger, more powerful ones and the thought of it alone made her even more wet. He kissed down her chest again stopping only to suck on each of her nipples. Roughly, he grabbed her legs and put them on his shoulders. Only then, did he thrust into her.

Even after six years, she still felt the same. She still would drench herself at his touch, still tease him until he almost couldn't take it, and still drove him crazy when she looked at him. Pounding in and out of her he reached down to massage her clit once again. She screamed at that and instantly released herself again. She opened her eyes and saw that he was supporting his entire upper body on one arm. Yeah, time had been kind to him. He thrust in and out of her violently and when he felt her squeeze around him he knew that his release would be coming soon enough. Her moans were getting louder and closer together and just when he thought he wouldn't be able to hold on, her tension released and his along with it.

Six years of love and desire spilled into her and Anders felt like a huge weight had been lifted off him. He put his other arm down and pulled her into a kiss. Maker he missed her. With his nose once again touching hers he told her, "I am going to make up for everything I've done to you. If you will allow it, I will be a father to our daughter, the man she wants me to be. I will love you until my corpse grows cold and then I will continue to love you even then. You are my everything."

The couple had been so enthralled with their throws of passion that they didn't hear the templars coming. Noelle was already among them but had been silenced. She would never get to know her father.

Whatever they did to Marian Hawke and Anders isn't known. The only thing for certain is that they eventually went crazy. The templar order had mutated into a cult of cruel animalistic mage-hunters. Some of the tortures they inflicted were worse than imaginable. It was also rumored that they performed lyrium experiments on the captured mages and that perhaps that is what drove them to madness. But some say, it was the fact that they were kept separate and never saw each other again that made them that way.


End file.
